There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
