How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
