Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
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Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
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Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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