I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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