I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
