I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize