I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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