Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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