remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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