wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
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I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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