i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
