i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
