yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
