Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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