Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The Olympian is in my bed
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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