I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
