Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Reggie can tackle my bush.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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