Kiss
Puke
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't deserve a penis
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
