I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
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After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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