Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
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I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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