Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize