Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
