Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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