so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
