If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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