First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
