today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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