I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
