My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
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we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
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dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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