I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
