I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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