So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
