i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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