id be glad to
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.