So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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