Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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