It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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