make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
