He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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