I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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