i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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