I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
