i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
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Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
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Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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