Whoa Z and x make the same sound
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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