I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
