I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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