I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Life is so much better after having sex.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
