i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
