just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
