i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.