hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour